Everything Ok

I realized the other day that so far all this blog consists of is lists of things I've done and pictures of places I've been. And that's fine. That's likely what it will mostly be. But sometimes you've got to pause in the midst of all that doing and seeing and just think for a bit.

When I moved into the dorm room (the one I've spent only a handful of nights in so far because of being whisked away to field school), they had a standard form like any you'd fill out upon moving into a new apartment. You go down the list and check everything to verify that it's in working order so you won't get charged at the end of your stay for damages you didn't cause. The girl who handed me my form said, "Just write 'everything okay' in the blank if there are no problems." I found out later that any sort of marking would have worked - a checkmark, just 'OK,' even leaving it blank.

But there was a bit of genius in that girl's instructions.

There's something to that act. Writing it out over and over again. It becomes like a mantra. It becomes a thing that resonates in the back of your mind.

And this comes at a moment where you're maybe feeling that no, things aren't okay. You're far from home and the money is weird and you don't have sheets to put on your bed because you had to leave them behind to have room to bring your books and the stores are closed for a holiday, and you missed half of your orientation because you were sent to the wrong orientation, and you don't know how to get in touch with your advisor, and even if you did you don't really understand fully what you've got in mind for your own thesis so you're kind of trying to avoid talking to your advisor, and what does it matter anyway when you're presented in one of the university's welcome speeches with such a sunny picture of academia as this...?

Imposter syndrome is kicking in full force. You feel like the stupidest person in every room you enter. You're wondering why you ever would have been so foolish as to think you could or should change your life in such a way. And you have to sit there at the desk and fill out the form, writing one phrase over and over again...

Everything ok.
Everything ok.
Everything ok.

And maybe it won't be. After all, you've got no control over that. But for one soothing instant you think, alright, well, this is okay at least. Tonight is handled. And maybe I've got a grip on what's coming tomorrow. And after that we'll see.

That's just how you've got to take it. One line at a time. One step, one day. All the way down to the very end.

Everything ok.
Everything ok.
Everything ok.

Until it stops being a comforting lie you tell yourself and finally becomes the truth.